{"id":32347,"date":"2025-10-30T21:13:49","date_gmt":"2025-10-30T21:13:49","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/the-key-to-better-sex-focus-on-pleasure-not-desire\/"},"modified":"2025-10-30T21:13:49","modified_gmt":"2025-10-30T21:13:49","slug":"the-key-to-better-sex-focus-on-pleasure-not-desire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/the-key-to-better-sex-focus-on-pleasure-not-desire\/","title":{"rendered":"The Key to Better Sex? Focus on Pleasure, Not Desire"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wpb-content-wrapper\">\n<div class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_row-fluid\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-12\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p>When I first began having long(ish)-term sexual relationships during my college years, I believed, like a lot of people, an old-\u00adfashioned narrative about how desire works.<\/p>\n<p>It goes like this: Early in a relationship, it\u2019s all passion and spark, and that lasts a couple of years, maybe. Then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper house or generally get busy with work and life, and the spark fizzles out. Especially after 50, when supposedly every hormone we ever had floats away on a sea of aging and we\u2019re left, sexless and neutered, to hold hands at sunset.<\/p>\n<p>We\u2019re usually told that at this point, our options are either to accept the fizzling of our desire or to fight against it \u2014 to invest our time, attention, and even money in \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/big-picture-partnering\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">keeping the spark alive<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>Well, I\u2019m a sex educator with decades of experience. And it turns out that every part of this narrative is not merely wrong but wrong-headed. I call this mess of wrong-headedness \u201cthe desire imperative.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>The desire imperative goes as\u00a0follows:<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/what-happens-to-your-brain-when-you-fall-in-love\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">At the start of a romantic relationship<\/a>, we should feel a spark \u2014 a spontaneous, giddy craving for sexual intimacy with our partner that might even feel obsessive.<\/li>\n<li>This sparky desire is the correct, healthy, normal, best kind of desire, and if we don\u2019t have it, we don\u2019t have anything worth having.<\/li>\n<li>If we have to put any planning or preparation into our sex lives, then we don\u2019t want it \u201cenough.\u201d<\/li>\n<li>Finally, if our partner doesn\u2019t just want us spontaneously, out of the blue, without effort or preparation, on a regular basis, they don\u2019t want us \u201cenough.\u201d<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>The desire imperative puts desire at the center of our definition of <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/sexual-health-well-being\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">sexual well-being<\/a>. It says there is only one right way to experience desire, and without that, nothing else matters.<\/p>\n<p>And so people worry about sexual desire. If desire changes or seems to be missing, people worry that there\u2019s something wrong. It\u2019s among the most common reasons <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/the-case-for-couples-counseling\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">couples seek\u00a0therapy<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>Here\u2019s the irony of the desire imperative: Does all that worry about spark make it easier to want sex?<\/p>\n<p>It does not. Worry mainly hits the brakes and puts sex further out of\u00a0reach.<\/p>\n<p>But there\u2019s an alternative. What if we shelve the entire concept of desire and, in its place, <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/joy-lab-savoring-the-key-to-forgotten-happiness\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">prioritize pleasure<\/a>? Because great sex is not about how much you want sex \u2014 it\u2019s about how much you like the sex you\u2019re having.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_row-fluid vc_custom_1757695514160 vc_row-o-content-middle vc_row-flex wpex-vc-has-custom-column-spacing wpex-vc-column-spacing-60 wpex-vc_row-has-fill wpex-vc-reset-negative-margin wpex-vc-full-width-row wpex-vc-full-width-row--centered\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-12\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element vc_custom_1757692319816\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p><span class=\"wpex-text-lg\">RESPONSIVE DESIRE IS NOT SPONTANEOUS DESIRE<\/span><\/p>\n<p>A simple way to start changing how you think about desire and pleasure is by understanding what sex researchers and therapists say about desire. They call the spark of the desire imperative \u201cspontaneous desire.\u201d This is one of the normal ways to experience desire, but as it happens, it is not associated with great sex in a long-term relationship.<\/p>\n<p>Researchers also describe \u201cresponsive desire,\u201d which is not a spark feeling but <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/a-real-pleasure\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">an openness to exploring pleasure<\/a> and seeing where it goes. It often shows up as \u201cscheduled\u201d sex, where you plan ahead, groom, and get a babysitter.<\/p>\n<p>Whereas spontaneous desire emerges in anticipation of pleasure, responsive desire emerges in response to pleasure.<\/p>\n<p>Both are normal, and neither is better than the other. But it\u2019s responsive desire that is associated with great sex over the long term.<\/p>\n<p>Responsive desire \u2014 not passion, not spark, but pleasure, trust, and mutuality. That\u2019s the fundamental empirical reason to center pleasure over spark.<\/p>\n<p>So, what\u2019s pleasure?<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div data-vc-full-width=\"true\" data-vc-full-width-init=\"false\" class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_row-fluid vc_custom_1758051524124 vc_row-o-content-bottom vc_row-flex wpex-vc_row-has-fill wpex-vc-row-stretched\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-2 wpex-vc_col-has-fill hidden-phone\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner vc_custom_1758051340704\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<figure class=\"vcex-image vcex-module hidden-phone\">\n<div class=\"vcex-image-inner wpex-relative wpex-inline-block\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"904\" src=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/nd25-hf-candle-1320964346.jpg\" class=\"vcex-image-img wpex-align-middle\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-2\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner vc_custom_1757695004234\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-8\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element vc_custom_1757694940280\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p><span class=\"wpex-text-lg\">PLEASURE IS SENSATION IN CONTEXT<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In a lot of movies and romance novels, even when the main characters may be running away from the villain or just exhausted and overwhelmed by life, as soon as Partner A touches the magic spot on Partner B\u2019s body, it doesn\u2019t matter what else is going on \u2014 Partner B\u2019s knees melt.<\/p>\n<p>If that\u2019s how desire works for you, that\u2019s great. You have spontaneous desire.<\/p>\n<p>Yet for many of us, pleasure isn\u2019t about the right spot on our body being touched in the right way. It\u2019s the right place, the right way, by the right person, at the right time, in the right external circumstances, and with the right internal state.<\/p>\n<p>In short, it\u2019s sensation in context. That\u2019s responsive desire.<\/p>\n<p>A simple example of this is tickling. Tickling is not everyone\u2019s favorite, but you can imagine a scenario where partners are already turned on, in a trusting, playful, erotic situation, and Partner A tickles Partner B and it feels good!<\/p>\n<div class=\"vcex-module vcex-divider vcex-divider-solid vcex-divider-center wpex-mx-auto wpex-max-w-100 wpex-block wpex-h-0 wpex-border-b wpex-border-solid wpex-border-main\"><\/div>\n<p><span class=\"wpex-text-md\">Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough.<\/span><br \/>\n<span class=\"wpex-text-md\"><strong>Trusting enough, healthy enough,<\/strong><\/span><br \/>\n<span class=\"wpex-text-md\"><strong>welcome enough, at low-enough risk.<\/strong><\/span><\/p>\n<div class=\"vcex-module vcex-divider vcex-divider-solid vcex-divider-center wpex-mx-auto wpex-max-w-100 wpex-block wpex-h-0 wpex-border-b wpex-border-solid wpex-border-main\"><\/div>\n<p>But imagine those same partners are in the middle of<a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/8-questions-to-ask-your-partner-about-money\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\"> an argument about, say, money<\/a>, and Partner A tries to tickle Partner B. Will that feel good? Or would Partner B feel more like punching somebody in the nose?<\/p>\n<p>Because pleasure is sensation in the right context, that means any sensation may feel good, great, spectacular, just OK, or terrible, depending on the context in which we experience it.<\/p>\n<p>Pleasure is a shy animal. We can observe it from a safe distance, but if we approach it too fast, it will run. If we try to capture it, it will panic. <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/7-questions-to-ask-your-partner-about-trust-and-commitment\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">We have to build trust<\/a> with our pleasure before it will allow us to observe it closely.<\/p>\n<p>Pleasure happens when we feel safe enough, trusting enough, healthy enough, welcome enough, at low-enough risk. Everyone\u2019s threshold for \u201cenough\u201d is different, and it changes from situation to situation.<\/p>\n<p>But when we create that safe-enough context, our brains have the capacity to interpret nearly any sensation as pleasurable. And it\u2019s completely normal for a sensation to feel good today and not so good tomorrow, simply because the context has changed.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row-full-width vc_clearfix\"><\/div>\n<div data-vc-full-width=\"true\" data-vc-full-width-init=\"false\" class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_row-fluid vc_custom_1761834775025 wpex-vc_row-has-fill wpex-vc-row-stretched\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-12\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_inner vc_row-fluid\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-9\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element vc_custom_1757694251359\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p><span class=\"wpex-text-lg\">PLEASURE IS NOT DESIRE<\/span><\/p>\n<p>According to psychologists, pleasure and desire use different systems in the brain. At the level of the emotional, mammalian brain, desire is known as \u201c<a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/the-wanting-mind\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">wanting<\/a>\u201d or \u201cincentive salience,\u201d and pleasure is discussed as \u201cliking\u201d or \u201chedonic impact.\u201d<\/p>\n<p>In the brain, wanting involves a vast network of dopamine-related circuitry that mediates <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/a-mindful-view-of-motivation\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">how motivated we are to pursue a goal<\/a>. Liking, by contrast, involves \u201ca smaller set of hedonic hotspots\u201d where our bodies\u2019 own opioids and endocannabinoids mediate how good a sensation feels.<\/p>\n<p>You might still be asking yourself,<em>\u00a0How are pleasure and desire all that different?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>Put simply, pleasure is perception of a sensation. Desire is motivation toward a goal.<\/p>\n<p>In a sense, pleasure is satisfaction and desire is dissatisfaction, because pleasure is <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/show-up\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">enjoying an experience<\/a>, while desire is motivation to pursue something different. You can want more of something without liking it, as with <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/how-to-stop-doomscrolling\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">doomscrolling<\/a>. You can also like something without wanting more of it, as when you\u2019ve just finished a perfect piece of cake and you feel full.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_inner vc_row-fluid vc_row-o-content-top vc_row-flex\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-6\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element vc_custom_1757694244375\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p>If I wanted to spark controversy, I\u2019d say that there\u2019s no such thing as a sexual-desire problem, and that all the news articles, think pieces, self-help books, and medical research focused on a \u201ccure\u201d for low desire are\u00a0irrelevant.<\/p>\n<p>The cure for low desire is pleasure. When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, we eliminate any need to worry about\u00a0desire.<\/p>\n<div class=\"vcex-module vcex-divider vcex-divider-solid vcex-divider-center wpex-mx-auto wpex-max-w-100 wpex-block wpex-h-0 wpex-border-b wpex-border-solid wpex-border-main\"><\/div>\n<p><strong>In a sense, pleasure is satisfaction<\/strong><br \/>\n<strong>and desire is dissatisfaction,<\/strong><br \/>\nbecause pleasure is enjoying an experience,<br \/>\nwhile desire is motivation to pursue<br \/>\nsomething different.<\/p>\n<div class=\"vcex-module vcex-divider vcex-divider-solid vcex-divider-center wpex-mx-auto wpex-max-w-100 wpex-block wpex-h-0 wpex-border-b wpex-border-solid wpex-border-main\"><\/div>\n<p>But I\u2019m not here for controversy; I\u2019m here to <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/4-ways-exercise-makes-sex-better\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">make your sex life better<\/a>. So I\u2019ll just say: Don\u2019t sweat desire. If you\u2019re <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/14-reasons-why-sex-might-be-painful-for-women\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">worried about your partner\u2019s low desire<\/a>, ask them about pleasure. If you\u2019re worried about your own desire, <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/13-ways-to-start-the-conversation-about-sex\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">talk to your partner<\/a> about\u00a0pleasure.<\/p>\n<p>I don\u2019t expect you to believe me right away. I know you\u2019ve been taught\u00a0to worry about desire. It might even feel troubling or problematic to say that desire doesn\u2019t matter. Maybe you\u2019re thinking, <em>What could you possibly mean, Emily<\/em> \u2014 <em>to not worry about wanting it and just enjoy it instead? Are you telling me to enjoy sex I don\u2019t want?<\/em><\/p>\n<p>On the contrary! I\u2019m saying: Imagine a world where all of us only ever have sex we enjoy. And anything we don\u2019t enjoy, we don\u2019t do! We don\u2019t do it and \u2014 get this \u2014 <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/how-to-stop-worrying\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">we don\u2019t worry about not doing it<\/a>!<\/p>\n<p>When we put pleasure at the center of our definition of sexual well-being, sex we don\u2019t like is never even on the table.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-6 vc_hidden-xs wpex-vc_col-has-fill\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner vc_custom_1757695084207\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element vc_custom_1757694108141\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p><img fetchpriority=\"high\" decoding=\"async\" class=\"alignnone size-large wp-image-123638\" src=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/nd25-hf-pleaure-snuggle-1470213279-683x1024.jpg\" alt=\"a senior couple snuggles\" width=\"683\" height=\"1024\" \/><\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_single_image wpb_content_element vc_align_ wpb_content_element visible-phone\">\n<figure class=\"wpb_wrapper vc_figure\">\n<div class=\"vc_single_image-wrapper   vc_box_border_grey\"><img decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"800\" src=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/10\/nd25-hf-pleaure-snuggle-1470213279-mobile.jpg\" class=\"vc_single_image-img attachment-full\" alt=\"a senior couple snuggling\" title=\"nd25-hf-pleaure-snuggle-1470213279-mobile\" \/><\/div>\n<\/figure><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row-full-width vc_clearfix\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_row-fluid vc_custom_1757695524891 wpex-vc_row-has-fill wpex-vc-reset-negative-margin wpex-vc-full-width-row wpex-vc-full-width-row--centered\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-12\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p><span class=\"wpex-text-lg\">FINDING YOUR RIGHT CONTEXT<\/span><\/p>\n<p>Assess your experience of easy pleasure: How was your relationship with that partner? What was the state of your connection? Relaxed and close? <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/9-questions-to-ask-your-partner-about-play-and-adventure\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Playful and silly<\/a>? Serious and\u00a0intense?<\/p>\n<p>Focus on setting. Where are you during this experience? Are you at home, in your shared bed with your certain special someone? <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/reconnect-with-your-partner-on-a-getaway\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Are you on vacation together<\/a>? Are you in front of your screen at one end of a wireless connection while your partner is at the other end? The settings that make it easier for the brain to access pleasure vary from person to person and relationship to relationship.<\/p>\n<p>When you\u2019ve got a sense of the context that makes it easy for your brain to access pleasure, try thinking about your current context.<\/p>\n<p>Ask: How\u2019s your relationship? Are you feeling connected or distant? <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/how-to-build-romance-through-gratitude\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Can you find connection in an easy way,<\/a> maybe by <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/fun-time-face-offs\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">focusing together on a shared interest<\/a>, like your favorite TV show or your love of sushi or your hometown sports team? (These are all examples of third things that help couples stay bonded.)<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<figure class=\"vcex-image vcex-module hidden-phone vcex_6903d0be9be1d\">\n<div class=\"vcex-image-inner wpex-relative wpex-inline-block\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1136\" height=\"623\" src=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/nd25-hf-pleasure-dog-1339123006.jpg\" class=\"vcex-image-img wpex-align-middle\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<figure class=\"vcex-image vcex-module visible-phone vcex_6903d0be9c466\">\n<div class=\"vcex-image-inner wpex-relative wpex-inline-block\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"800\" src=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/nd25-hf-pleasure-dog-mobile-1339123006.jpg\" class=\"vcex-image-img wpex-align-middle\" alt=\"a dog peeks through doors\" loading=\"lazy\" \/><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p>Ask: How\u2019s your space? Even small adjustments to your real-life setting can make a big difference. My spouse and I realized we could remove one barrier to sex by making it easier to close the bedroom door. Most of the time, we kept the door propped open with a small linen chest so the dogs could come and go, but during sexy times we opted to keep the dogs out of the room. Closing the door required moving the chest and then pulling up a large corner of the rug to get it out of the path of the door. It was a minor hassle with a simple solution: We removed the rug and the little chest, propping the door with a small, easy-to-move wastebasket instead.<\/p>\n<p>Sometimes that\u2019s all it means to create a supportive context. Go out for sushi. Move a piece of furniture. Some problems are just that easy to solve.<\/p>\n<p>Meanwhile, some problems might seem easy to solve, but you still find yourself avoiding them. If these exercises are difficult for you \u2014 or even if they\u2019re not \u2014 it\u2019s worth asking yourself another simple question: How do I feel about pleasure?<\/p>\n<p>Many of us were taught to fear, resent, or otherwise disparage pleasure, and that can really get in the way of cultivating a context for it. If you struggle mightily with resistance to pleasure, a skilled therapist can help you address that.<\/p>\n<p>Or start small, seeking out pleasures that have little or nothing to do with sex, so you can safely start to remember how feeling good feels.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_row-fluid vc_custom_1755631370397 wpex-vc_row-has-fill wpex-vc-reset-negative-margin wpex-vc-full-width-row wpex-vc-full-width-row--centered\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-12\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<div class=\"vcex-spacing wpex-w-100 wpex-clear\"><\/div>\n<div class=\"wpb_text_column wpb_content_element\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<p><span class=\"wpex-text-lg\">YOU ARE NOT BROKEN<\/span><\/p>\n<p>In any relationship that lasts long enough, it is not just normal but inevitable that partners have different levels of interest in sex, different sexual experiences they\u2019re interested in having, and different abilities to be sexual. Normal. Not a problem. I\u2019ve been through it myself, and I\u2019ve used these tools and found my way back to my certain special someone.<\/p>\n<p><a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/boost-your-libido\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">You can have that too.<\/a><\/p>\n<p>The most efficient way to turn these normal, inevitable seasons into a problem is to worry about them. The guardians of the desire imperative want you to worry, want you to believe that something bad could happen if you jettison their rules and wholeheartedly embrace who you truly are, as you are right now. That\u2019s why joy \u2014 loving what\u2019s true \u2014 can feel scary sometimes, like jumping off a cliff in the dark, <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/how-to-embrace-uncertainty\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">with no idea what comes next<\/a>.<\/p>\n<p>But isn\u2019t that just like life? We step into each new day with no guarantee of what will come next, only a commitment to make of the day and our lives something worth remembering. Our only certainty is that one day we won\u2019t get any more days. So, in my house, in the face of all the life-altering and life-threatening events that happen daily, we practice pleasure.<\/p>\n<p>Life is too short and too uncertain to have sex you don\u2019t like. So go ahead and love how you love. And don\u2019t let anyone else tell you how that should look or feel.<\/p>\n<div class=\"vcex-module vcex-divider vcex-divider-solid vcex-divider-center wpex-mx-auto wpex-max-w-100 wpex-block wpex-h-0 wpex-border-b wpex-border-solid wpex-border-main\"><\/div>\n<p><em>This article originally appeared as \u201cPleasure Is the Measure\u201d in the November\/December 2025 issue of<\/em> Experience Life.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div data-vc-full-width=\"true\" data-vc-full-width-init=\"false\" data-vc-stretch-content=\"true\" class=\"vc_row wpb_row vc_row-fluid nobottom vc_custom_1732055018034 vc_row-no-padding vc_row-o-content-bottom vc_row-flex wpex-vc_row-has-fill wpex-vc-row-stretched\">\n<div class=\"wpb_column vc_column_container vc_col-sm-12 wpex-vc_col-has-fill\">\n<div class=\"vc_column-inner vc_custom_1732046567531\">\n<div class=\"wpb_wrapper\">\n<figure class=\"vcex-image vcex-module textcenter hidden-phone\">\n<div class=\"vcex-image-inner wpex-relative wpex-w-100 vc_custom_1757695655835\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"1136\" height=\"355\" src=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/nd25-hf-pleasure-couple-blanket-1095047718.jpg\" class=\"vcex-image-img wpex-align-middle wpex-w-100\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<figure class=\"vcex-image vcex-module visible-phone\">\n<div class=\"vcex-image-inner wpex-relative wpex-inline-block vc_custom_1757695721839\"><img loading=\"lazy\" decoding=\"async\" width=\"800\" height=\"800\" src=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/wp-content\/uploads\/2025\/09\/nd25-hf-pleasure-couple-blanket-mobile-1095047718.jpg\" class=\"vcex-image-img wpex-align-middle\" alt=\"\" loading=\"lazy\" \/><\/div>\n<\/figure>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div class=\"vc_row-full-width vc_clearfix\"><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<p>The post <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/article\/the-key-to-better-sex-focus-on-pleasure-not-desire\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">The Key to Better Sex? Focus on Pleasure, Not Desire<\/a> appeared first on <a href=\"https:\/\/experiencelife.lifetime.life\/\" rel=\"nofollow noopener\" target=\"_blank\">Experience Life<\/a>.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>When I first began having long(ish)-term sexual relationships during my college years, I believed, like a lot of people, an old-\u00adfashioned narrative about how desire works. It goes like this: Early in a relationship, it\u2019s all passion and spark, and that lasts a couple of years, maybe. Then we have kids or buy a fixer-upper [&hellip;]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":32348,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-32347","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-life"],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-10-25 19:53:50","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32347","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=32347"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/32347\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/32348"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=32347"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=32347"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=32347"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}