{"id":31561,"date":"2025-10-23T20:53:39","date_gmt":"2025-10-23T20:53:39","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser\/"},"modified":"2025-10-23T20:53:39","modified_gmt":"2025-10-23T20:53:39","slug":"how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/how-to-stop-being-a-people-pleaser\/","title":{"rendered":"How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Imagine that your sister calls out of the blue and announces, \u201cWe\u2019re visiting you this weekend. Get the guest room ready!\u201d<\/p>\n

You mentally go through the many reasons this is a terrible idea: Your spouse has been sick, your kids have back-to-back sporting events, and you\u2019re hosting your book club on Saturday night. Still, you respond brightly, \u201cGreat! We can\u2019t wait to see you!\u201d<\/p>\n

You spend the weekend stressed, \u00adexhausted, and resentful. Your guests spend the weekend wondering why you\u2019re aloof, exhausted, and grumpy. They leave confused.<\/p>\n

You were trying to be generous and kind, but you ended up feeling cranky and hostile.<\/p>\n

This is often how it goes with people-pleasing.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen we people-please, we\u2019re trying to be nice,\u201d says Melissa Urban, author of The Book of Boundaries: Set the Limits That Will Set You Free<\/em>. \u201cThough our intentions are good, being \u2018nice\u2019 often hurts our\u00a0relationships.\u201d<\/p>\n

People-pleasing can be so subtle \u2014 or so habitual \u2014 that you don\u2019t even recognize it in yourself. Maybe you let your friends do all the talking every time you hang out, or you routinely claim to be neutral about where to get dinner when you genuinely want Tex-Mex.<\/p>\n

Or you\u2019re so afraid to offend that when someone hurts your feelings, you stay silent about it \u2014 or\u00a0go out of your way to apologize to\u00a0them<\/a>.<\/p>\n

All this focus on the wants and needs of others almost inevitably leads to exhaustion, disconnec\u00adtion, and bitterness on your part<\/a>. Fortunately, with time and effort, it\u2019s possible to unlearn the people-pleasing habit.<\/p>\n

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The High Price of People-Pleasing<\/h2>\n

It might look like generosity, but the reality of people-pleasing is less sanguine. When you reflexively agree to things you can\u2019t really afford<\/a> or obligations you can\u2019t easily honor, it takes a toll on your time, energy, and wallet.<\/p>\n

There\u2019s also a psychic toll. Ignoring your own wants and needs can leave you feeling hollow, anxious, resentful, and sad. \u201cWhen we\u2019re not being authentic to ourselves, when our self has no expression, that\u2019s basically what depression is,\u201d says trauma therapist Jane McCampbell Stuart, MA, LMFT, CPCC.<\/p>\n

The more habitual concessions you make to others, the more your authentic self will start to recede into the background. This can lead to isolation and\u00a0loneliness<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Chronic people-pleasers are also hard to read. \u201cThe other person ends up feeling exhausted and overwhelmed because they\u2019re constantly having to do the work of reaching you and decoding what you\u2019re saying,\u201d says \u00adMcCampbell Stuart. \u201cThey\u2019re always second guessing: \u2018Is this really you? Or are you just trying to make me happy?\u2019<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a lot of work to be in a relationship with somebody who\u2019s not holding their own weight in the world.\u201d<\/p>\n

On top of that, \u00adMcCampbell Stuart adds, people who minimize their own needs<\/a> and make themselves small often attract others who take advantage of them. \u201cThat\u2019s when we get those repeated relationships where people are not taken care of, not treated very well.\u201d<\/p>\n

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The Roots of People-Pleasing<\/h2>\n

The tendency to people-please usually begins in childhood, often very innocently. If you learn that saying yes \u2014 even when you don\u2019t mean it<\/a> \u2014 earns you affection or praise, you\u2019re apt to keep up the behavior. It feels good to please others.<\/p>\n

In other cases, people-pleasing may start as a coping mechanism; it helps you feel safe when the world around you feels scary<\/a>. \u201cMany of us learn to people-please in childhood in order to get safety or affection from preoccupied, unavailable, or abusive caregivers,\u201d explains life coach Hailey Magee in her book, Stop People Pleasing and Find Your Power.<\/em><\/p>\n

When a childhood behavior gains attention and support from caregivers, it makes perfect sense that the child\u2019s psyche would pack it up and take it into adulthood. \u201cWe don\u2019t want to shame anybody for people-pleasing,\u201d says McCampbell Stuart. \u201cPeople come by the behavior really, really honestly.\u201d<\/p>\n

Children are dependent on their caregivers for everything \u2014 food, care, shelter, and affection. \u201cIf we have parents who are overwhelmed or angry or unable to regulate their own emotions, that puts us in danger. We run the risk of not getting those needs met,\u201d she explains. \u201cSo, in order to get our needs met and keep ourselves safe, we learn how to tiptoe around our caregivers. We become experts at not tripping their emotions or being a burden<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Caregivers who struggle with addiction or who are caring for someone with addiction can add fuel to the fire. \u201cChildren learn that tending to the addict is their primary responsibility, and they don\u2019t receive the support they need to identify or communicate their own basic feelings and needs,\u201d writes Magee.<\/p>\n

Cultural expectations can also lead to people-pleasing. Women are routinely socialized to put the wants and needs of others first, while men are usually conditioned to hide their emotions at the risk of seeming needy.<\/p>\n

People from marginalized communities, meanwhile, may adopt people-pleasing behaviors to offset potential danger. \u201cWhen acts of violence and harassment against members of your identity group<\/a> are commonplace, becoming as small and unnoticeable as possible is a survival strategy,\u201d Magee\u00a0notes.<\/p>\n

Traumatic experiences them\u00adselves can trigger people-pleasing. In fact, some experts have identified exceedingly deferential behavior \u2014 dubbed \u201cfawning\u201d \u2014 as a fourth trauma response, after fight, flee, and freeze. \u201cWhen threatened, a person with the fawn response will try to please, gratify, or accommodate the source of threat instead of fighting back, running away, or shutting down,\u201d Magee explains.<\/p>\n

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Finding the Line<\/h2>\n

The very concept of people-pleasing raises questions about what it means to be in relationships. Where does healthy kindness<\/a> end and people-pleasing begin?<\/p>\n

The difference between the two is in your motivations, explains Magee. People-pleasing behaviors are typically not born out of kindness but out of four decidedly less prosocial feelings: obligation (\u201cI\u2019m doing this because it\u2019s expected of me, and I\u2019ll feel guilty if I don\u2019t<\/a>\u201d); transaction (\u201cI\u2019m doing this so you will do something similar for me\u201d); compulsion (\u201cI\u2019m doing this because I\u2019ve always done this\u201d); or loss aversion (\u201cI\u2019m doing this so you\u2019ll still love me\/let me be part of the group\/not reject me\u201d).<\/p>\n

\u201cFor many, this pattern is based upon a covert contract or \u00adunspoken agreement: \u2018I will overgive and tres\u00adpass my own boundaries for you, and in \u00adreturn, you will make me feel loved, wanted, and needed,\u2019\u201d Magee notes. \u201cThe problem is that others never agreed to this transaction. . . . This transactional mentality imbues our \u00adrelationships with piles of invisible\u00a0debt.\u201d<\/p>\n

An act of healthy kindness<\/a> feels different. It allows you to satisfy your own needs and enhance the lives of others. It is rooted in goodwill (\u201cI want to do this for you because I care about you\u201d); choice (\u201cI\u2019m choosing to do this\u201d); and abundance (\u201cI can give this to you because my own cup is full\u201d).<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen we give out of kindness, it\u2019s because we could say yes or no, and [we] choose, of our own free will, to say yes,\u201d Magee explains. \u201cWe aren\u2019t necessarily expecting anything in return.\u201d<\/p>\n

If you\u2019re not sure about your motives, McCampbell Stuart suggests,\u00a0 check for the telltale sign of people-pleasing: resentment<\/a>.<\/p>\n

\u201cResentment is often the first thing people-pleasers start noticing,\u201d she says. \u201cThey feel bitter and angry and really ticked off with a person or with the world, but they can\u2019t put their finger on why, and they don\u2019t believe they have the ability to change it.<\/p>\n

\u201cBut actually, you do. If you notice what you\u2019re feeling resentful about, it will point you to your unmet need. And if you start meeting that need for yourself, that can help you to break the people-pleasing habit.\u201d<\/p>\n

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Getting Real<\/h2>\n

Giving up the people-pleasing habit takes time. You\u2019re unlearning a behavior that\u2019s served you in the past and may have become second nature. But the rewards are\u00a0myriad. Get started on the path to greater integrity<\/a> and self-care with these strategies.<\/strong><\/p>\n

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Look inward.<\/strong><\/span> People-pleasers are forever looking outward, having often spent their lives focusing on other people and trying to determine whether they\u2019re safe. This can make it hard to feel one\u2019s own feelings.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen we people-please, we\u2019re not really in our body,\u201d explains McCampbell Stuart. \u201cWe leave our body as we try to manage the other person\u2019s energy<\/a>.\u201d<\/p>\n

Moving beyond people-pleasing starts by turning your focus inward, she adds. This can feel unsafe at first, and unwise \u2014 like driving with your eyes closed. Still, looking inward is what allows you to begin using your own feelings to guide your decisions.<\/p>\n

We all have an internal guidance system<\/a>; yours can help you find your way without constantly checking in with others.<\/p>\n

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Cultivate feelings of safety.<\/strong><\/span> The brain is a predictive organ. If you\u2019ve experienced threatening situations before, your brain is more likely to anticipate threats in your environment \u2014 even if you\u2019re not in immediate danger.<\/p>\n

You can overcome this hypervigilance by making the automatic process of scanning for danger more explicit, says McCampbell Stuart. Sit for a moment, scan your environment, then ask yourself: Is there anything here right now that\u2019s life-threatening or dangerous? Is there a bear coming to get me? Is there an angry person coming at me? No? OK, then right now, in this second, I\u2019m OK.<\/p>\n

This can delay the fear response. It trains you not to automatically fear the person walking toward you, which frees you to see them as an equal rather than a threat. \u201cWe give ourselves a different experience,\u201d she says.<\/p>\n

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Learn your own wants and needs.<\/strong><\/span> It sounds so simple \u2014 know what you want and need.\u00a0 But for those accustomed to putting others\u2019 needs first, it can be shockingly difficult. Asking someone prone to people-pleasing what they need right now can legitimately stump them.<\/p>\n

To get in touch with your core needs and preferences, begin paying attention to your body<\/a>. It can be easier to identify physical needs than emotional and social ones \u2014 at least at first. Ask yourself simple questions: Am I tired? Am I thirsty? Am I hungry<\/a>? Am I restless?<\/p>\n

\u201cMeeting our basic physical needs may seem like a small thing, but by tending to these needs time and time again, we slowly increase our sense of self-trust,\u201d Magee explains.<\/p>\n

Soon you can expand your awareness to needs that are more emotional or social, like relaxation, support, creativity, community, and\u00a0solitude.<\/p>\n

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Tend to your self-esteem.<\/strong> <\/span>Low self-esteem is another barrier to effectively communicating your wants and needs. To express those wants and needs, you must believe that you deserve to occupy some space in the world. If low self-regard is a problem for you, consider working with a therapist<\/a> who can help you see yourself more accurately.<\/p>\n

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Change your self-talk.<\/strong><\/span> Start telling yourself you\u2019re someone who can set boundaries and advocate for what you want, and it will become easier to be that person.<\/p>\n

\u201cBreaking the people-pleasing pattern requires us to update our self-concept,\u201d notes Magee. \u201cSomeone who believes they\u2019re a slacker will avoid studying for a test, and someone who believes they\u2019re a people-pleaser will avoid setting boundaries<\/a> or speaking up.\u201d (Learn how to soften self-criticism and change your internal dialogue for the better at \u201c6 Strategies to Improve Your Self-Talk.<\/a>\u201c)<\/p>\n

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Address anxiety.<\/strong> <\/span>People with higher levels of anxiety are more sensitive to other people<\/a>, worry more about others\u2019 reactions, spend a lot of time trying to mind-read, and tend to crave attention and approval, writes Kathleen Smith, PhD, LPC, in True to You: A Therapist\u2019s Guide to Stop Pleasing Others and Start Being Yourself<\/em>. So, anything\u00a0 that helps quiet your anxiety \u2014 including therapy, \u00adexercise, nutritional strategies, and interventions like EMDR and somatic experiencing \u2014 can \u00adreduce a propensity for people-pleasing. (For more on EMDR, visit \u201cHow EMDR Helps to Treat Trauma<\/a>.\u201d)<\/p>\n

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Pause before you answer.<\/strong> <\/span>When people-pleasing is your default setting, your instinct is to reflexively agree to any request in the moment. There\u2019s no pause to think, What would make me happy? That\u2019s why waiting a beat before submitting to a request can make all the difference.<\/p>\n

\u201cIf there\u2019s one tip I could give people-pleasers, it\u2019s to pause before responding automatically,\u201d says Urban. \u201cYou deserve happiness just as much as they do.\u201d<\/p>\n

This does not require an elaborate explanation, she adds. \u201cIf your best friend says, \u2018I need you to babysit on Saturday,\u2019 pause and say, \u2018I\u2019ll let you know later today if I\u2019m free.\u2019\u201d<\/p>\n

You can wait for a moment, an hour, a day, or a week, depending on the situation. Just make sure you pause, Urban says. \u201cUse this time to ask yourself, Do I have the time, energy, and capacity to say yes authentically? Will saying yes lead to resentment, anxiety, frustration, or burnout? What could I say yes to that meets their needs and my own?\u201d (Establish high-integrity relationships and a reputation for trustworthiness by learning how to stay true to your word<\/a>.)<\/p>\n

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Set boundaries.<\/strong> <\/span>People-pleasing may be nice, but setting boundaries is truly kind. Urban explains how this might look in response to your sister\u2019s sur\u00adprise\u00a0announcement of a visit.<\/p>\n

\u201cBeing kind means saying, \u2018This weekend doesn\u2019t work, but the next weekend and the weekend after that, we\u2019ll all be home and would love to see you,\u2019\u201d she suggests.<\/p>\n

This boundary helps ensure your sister\u2019s visit is a success. You\u2019ll be more relaxed and more welcoming, and everyone will have a better time.<\/p>\n

Inviting her when you really don\u2019t have time or energy is a recipe for resentment, adds McCampbell Stuart. \u201cResent\u00adment tells you that you are not honoring your own\u00a0needs.\u201d<\/p>\n

It also poisons the well of good feelings in a relationship, which is the opposite of the people-pleasing goal. (Try the strategies at \u201c3 Ways to Create Better Boundaries<\/a>\u201d to help create strong, clear boundaries.)<\/p>\n

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Get comfortable with disappointment.<\/strong> <\/span>Setting healthy boundaries and advocating for yourself \u00adrequires \u00adaccepting disappointment from others. Doing so can feel awkward and\u00a0scary at first, but this will pass.<\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you start setting boundaries, you\u2019re often taking away a privilege the other person was never meant to have, like access to your kids whenever they want, or a built-in babysitter whenever they need one,\u201d says Urban.<\/p>\n

If someone is really upset when you say no, it might be worth asking yourself if that relationship is a balanced one<\/a>. \u201cIf someone only likes me because I roll over every time they demand it, is it a healthy \u00adrelationship in the first place?\u201d she\u00a0asks.<\/p>\n

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The habit of \u00adpeople-pleasing won\u2019t vanish overnight, but it can be unlearned over time. As you become more authentic about what you want and need, you\u2019re likely to feel freer, more alive, and more like yourself. And that is one of the greatest gifts you can give to others \u2014 and the\u00a0world<\/a>.<\/p>\n

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This article originally appeared as \u201cEscape From People Pleasing\u201d in the November\/December 2025 issue of<\/em> Experience Life.<\/p>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

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The post How to Stop Being a People-Pleaser<\/a> appeared first on Experience Life<\/a>.<\/p>","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Imagine that your sister calls out of the blue and announces, \u201cWe\u2019re visiting you this weekend. Get the guest room ready!\u201d You mentally go through the many reasons this is a terrible idea: Your spouse has been sick, your kids have back-to-back sporting events, and you\u2019re hosting your book club on Saturday night. Still, you […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":31562,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[43],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-31561","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","category-life"],"publishpress_future_action":{"enabled":false,"date":"2026-10-25 20:47:05","action":"change-status","newStatus":"draft","terms":[],"taxonomy":"category","extraData":[]},"publishpress_future_workflow_manual_trigger":{"enabledWorkflows":[]},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31561","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=31561"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/31561\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/31562"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=31561"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=31561"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/gpnewswire.com\/news\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=31561"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}